If you want to meet people...(part 1)

..take a taxi. Better yet, share it with total strangers.

When my car was in the workshop a few months back, I had the pleasure (not) of going everywhere in a taxi. Sure it puts a damp on your social schedule, having to go out way earlier to get to places on time, but the few days without my car gave me the chance of having these interesting conversation.

1. I just walked out from the car service center, when he passed me. I just kept walking and ignoring him. A few steps further, he turned around to my dismay and said "Good Morning". Aiyaya... shall I, a) pretend 'I no speak English' b) appear to be deaf (but do deaf people allow to drive car?) or c) get this done and over with. I chose c.

Aparently this guy just blew his rental car engine and now have to replace the engine block. He was wondering where he could buy an engine block. You ask me? I said I don't know. Then he asked me if there's other Protong car service center around. We were in Cheras. I told him, there's one in PJ. Oh do you have their number? Sighhhh like I said, let's get this done and over with. I pulled out the sheet of paper that I printed yesterday and gave it to him. He thanked me and went to wait for a cab.

I on the other hand, wanted to avoid him, went to the warung at the end of the road. I pray that he get a cab soon and leave. After eating, I saw that he's still out there. Pencelakaan. I looked at my time and saw that I need to make a move asap. Game face!

I waited slightly further from him. A few minutes after, a taxi stopped. I waved him goodbye when of course, he would turn around and asked me if I wanted to share the taxi. I said, I'm going to Pusat Bandar when he's going to PJ. He said it's ok and checked with the pak aji taxi driver if it's ok. Confounded bastards! (which one? err, both?). I was hoping that the driver said no. But he said yes. Alamak, naik je la. And of course, the dude prefer to sit at the back with me. Sighhh. Let the fun begin.

Dude: " My name is bla bla bla bla.." I erased it from my mind immediately. From now on, we shall refer him as Ibo short for Ilozumba which means in Nigeria : "our distant home is forgotten". Oh yes, his a Nigerian as it turns out.

Me: "I'm bla de bla bla"
Ibo: "Are you heaven sent?"
Me: "Ha?"
Ibo:" Are you heaven sent? You're an angel you know" (i kid you not. OMFG!!!)
Me: "(what have I got myself into).. hahahah"
Ibo:"my car engine bla bla bla bla.. kaboom bla bla.. have to replace engine block"
Me:" (dah kau bawak macam syaitan. Kesiannya siapa owner kereta tu) Righht.. tough luck man"
Me: "So what do you do here in Malaysia? Have you been here long?"
Ibo: "I'm a student actually"
Me" "Oh really? What course are you taking?"
Ibo: "I'm taking Medicine"
Me:"Wow..(ye ye je dia ni)"
Ibo:" Yeah.. but I'm so pissed man, the university wouldn't allow me to transfer my credit. Can you believe that I have take English courses again. I speak English. My Englis is good. Ya man.. I can not believe that they are asking me to take English man. I was like "You are kidding me... You are kidding me".
Me: zoning ooouuutttttt...."You had taken other courses before?"
Ibo: "Yeah I had a degree already. I was studying in Australia before. Then I told my family I wanted to come here you know"
Me: nodding feigning interest (WTF?)
Ibo:" But I like it here in Malaysia yes. It's a great country yes. Just that they don't allow me to work here. I was hoping to get some money you know. Things are expensive.. but I love Malaysia. My country's pfftt.. no good"
At that exact point, I'm convinced that he's either a drug mule or a money launder. I secretly checked his fingers for ink stains.
Ibo:"You know you are very kind. I'm happy to meet you. Not many people would talk to us you know"
Me:"Err well some of you guys are behaving badly.. so many people are scared of you. I'm not saying you.. or all of you.. maybe one or two."
Ibo:"I'm not arguing with you on that..some of my brothers, they are crazy people you know. My housemate he leaves the aircond on 24/7 and leave the window open. I told him, what's wrong with you? What kind of people would do that. I want to get out from that house. They are driving me crazy!"
Me:"Your electricity bill must be high"
Ibo:"Yeah... it's crazy. Crazy. My lord said Ibo if you leave, everyone leave. He only trust me in that house."
Me: "Who?" (oh my is he from some sort of cult that is lead by someone that they have to call Lord? Interesting)
Ibo:"Lord you know. My lord...I'm the one who get the rent and pay it to him"
Me: stilll blankkkkk... then suddenly light bulb. "Oh.. your landlord. Right"
We talked about cost of going out in KL, or as Ibo refers to it.. to have a good time. How much is a couple of drinks cost. How much is the cost to look good these days. He was wearing a Paul Smiths t-shirt no less. This and that, finally we're in PJ and the question that I'm dreading the most
Ibo:" Hey, can we meet sometime. You know just for coffee..."
Me: (refraining myself from saying... There's nothing that I would absolutely hate more..)..so I just smile.
Ibo: "You know.. whenever you are free... I don't want to disturb you or anything. Can I get your number?"
Me:" Why don't you give me your number? I'll give you a call"
Ibo: "Ahh come on.. I just want to be friends. I'll just sms you"
Me: ishhhhhhhh. "ok, 016 bla bla bla bla..". Damn it he did not fall for that trick, so I fake numbered him.
He paid the taxi driver and thank us all. Aku berdoa pakcik tu cepat la blah before he could test out the number.

Fuhhh. And he was not heard ever again, bring us to the pak aji teksi drebar tadi

Me: "Pakcik.. dia tu tadi dari tempat betul kereta tu. Terjumpa kat situ tadi. Saya tak kenal pun dia."
I was in full damage control mode. Jangan la pakcik ni ingat aku sundalese class A yang suka hati nak melayan beruk tu tadi. Turns out the pakcik doesn't gives a tiny rats arse. He's more than happy to have people to talk to. Here's why:
Pakcik: "Ha bangsa ni memang susah. Nak pergi tah ke mana-mana. Tapi tak tau jalan. Ni kata la nak pergi Seremban tapi tah apa alamatnya. Mana la kita tahu Seremban. Kalau macam nak pergi bas stesen tu kita tau la. Nanti salah jalan dia marah pulak"
Me:"Ha betul pakcik. Diaorang ni bukan betul sangat"
Pakcik: "Kita ni keje suka-suka aje"
Me:"Ye pakcik? Umur pakcik berapa pakcik"
Pakcik:"Pakcik nak masuk 70. Kalau duduk rumah pun takde buat apa"
Hoo boy, pakcik kenapa la orang bagi lagi pakcik ni memandu. This is turning into drama melayu conversation, and it did!!
Pakcik:"Duduk rumah pun, nanti urat-urat ni semua masuk angin. Jadi keras. Bukan ada tanah nak tanam-tanam apa-apa"
Me:"Ha betul tu pakcik"
Pakcik:"Ni rasanya bulan depan Pakcik nak berhenti la. Homestay tu dah nak siap"
Me - supressing a loud Alhamdulillahh. Eh, Homestay?
Pakcik:"Dulu ada jugak keje jadi drebar orang. Tapi lama-lama penat. Penat nak tunggu dia balik malam-malam. Tu ada duit sikit beli tanah, nak buat homestay".
Me:"Wah.. banyak duit pakcik. Besar ke pakcik tanah tu"
Man.. the story doesn't jive.
Pakcik:"Ha.. duit simpan masa kerja dulu. Lepas pencen, malas duduk rumah, keje kejap dengan orang. Kalau duduk rumah pun bukan dia pedulik pun. Bukan dia larang pun minum manis ke... masin ke. Kalau dia larang pun, aku bukan dengar"
Me:"Dia? Siapa tu pakcik" Please please please let it not be his dead wife.
Pakcik:"Orang rumah. Dia masih kerja"
Ulalala... pakcik ada bini muda ke. Please refrain yourself from asking.
Me:"Oh dia keje....Pakcik ada sakit apa-apa ke pakcik"
Pakcik:"Setakat ni alhamdulillah. Doktor kata semua bagus. Tu la.. orang rumah tu keje. Pangkat beso jugak. Akauntan ke"
Biar benar pakcik ni
Me:"Akauntan? Besar pangkat tu pakcik. Wah... pakcik ada homestay, isteri keje lagi. Kalau saya rehat duduk rumah ajelah. Bosan-bosan hantar isteri pakcik pergi keje"
Pakcik:"Ha.. entah dia tak nak kita hantar. Agak malu ke naik teksi. Dia bawak kereta sendiri. Di rumah tu ada berapa kereta. Tak muat rumah"
Ambooiii... makin merepek pakcik ni.But I may understand the predeciment the wife's is in. Takkan nak datang keje naik teksi when you are high up the chain. Kalau betul la cakap pakcik ni kan. Then again, aku rasa macam nak jerit dalam teksi tu, buat apalah la pakcik ni bawak teksi lagi. Kalau accident hari ni, memang aku haunt bini dia yang bagi dia bawak teksi walaupun reflex dia dah slow.
Me:"Yang homestay tu kat mana pakcik"
Pakcik:"Di Perak. Belakang tu ada sungai. Nanti pakcik nak sekat air tu, buat macam empangan. Nanti boleh bela ikan sungai"
Me:"Oh beh tu pakcik.."
The pakcik went on ranting about name of fishes that I do not bother to remember, so I'll just make the names up
Pakcik:"Ikan Pirahna Jalur Emas tu... mahal tu. Tau tak berapa sekilo ikan tu?"
Me:"Tak tau. Tak pernah dengar pun pakcik. Berapa tu sekilo?"
Pakcik:" Ha.. dekat 3 ke 4 ribu sekilo. Kalau dalam panjang ni (while taking his hands off the steering wheel. GASPPP), ada la dalam 2 kilo"
Hai kena kencing ke aku ni?
Me:"Ambooiii mahalnya.."

Finally we reached Pusat Bandar Damansara. Alhamdulillah 1) tak kena rogol dengan Ibo and 2) tak mati dalam kemalangan jalan raya hari ni.

Sambil nak turun dari teksi tu, I said "Terima kasih pakcik. Kalau ada rezeki boleh pergi Homestay pakcik tu. Makan ikan pirahna tu."

From the bottom of my heart, I pray for his panjang umur, murah rezeki and that he's not delusional and suffering from dementia.

I told my friend about Ibo asking me my mobile number. She told me, "Next time, bagi aje nombor orang-orang yang kau nyampah" Damn it malik! Why don't I think of that. Actually this is the 2nd time Ibo's country man ask for my number. The other time, many years back, it was someone called Favorite James. He said "I'm Favorite and James is my dad". I remembered telling him "so, you are your father's Favorite?" hahah sorry can't help it. He's pick up line was not that great either, I remember he said something like "You're my friend right?" which I answer, "No... I think you got the wrong person" WTF.

Back then I was even stupid that I gave my actual number. Lepas tu takut nak jawab phone as well as takut nak jalan sorang-sorang kat Sungei Wang because I can't remember what he looks like. Takut terserempak lagi. My other friend totally understand, "sebab semua rupa sama je kan?" You said it sister!

So what's my point again? Let's recap, if you don't want to give your number out a) ask for his number instead and promise to call b) fake number him c) memorize someone else's number instead. Someone you hate or just remember the number from the along adds posted on the tiang lampu near your house.

Hey I thought I started off about meeting people...now I ranting about fake phone numbers.

Am I delusional as well? Phhftt.