Klutz Cop

A few trips outside of the country, on board a plane, doesn't warrant me to become a savvy traveller. I would very much like to, but no, I keep on failing tremendously. I wish a few practise would make it better, less nerve racking or at least a low ball ok.

I wish I was like that Clooney's character Up in the Air. He has mastered the art of checking in and out. Sighhh....Till now, there's always something... tiny or big, keeping me from the satisfying...ahh that went smooth. I now compare the period of checking in on a flight to part of passing security and immigration and, boarding the plane and actually sitting in my seat on the plane... as well as the reverse ie getting off the plane, getting my luggage and passing thru the immigrations as a game of Virtua Cop 2. Do you know the shooting game at the arcade? It's loads of fun (still have it on my pc :)). At the end of the game it will rate what kind of cop are you. The worst would be Klutz Cop. The way the low toned voice said Klutz Cop, serious macam failure.

I would like it very much to get out of the rut, and stop being a Klutzzz Copp.

Here's why:

1. Late boarding the plane - I have done this a few times. I don't know why. I don't know why I subject to running to the boarding gate. Perhaps watching the Home Alone scene where the whole family was late and running all over the airport have subconciously make me do these things. There was one time that the ground crew were holding out signage and urging us to hurry up. Naturally we were the last to board the plane. Why late? My friend was trying to figure out how we can sneak in a tube of cream which were forbidden on the plane post 9/11.

2. Overload baggage - Done and done. The airline are making a small fortune out of me paying excess baggage fee. Damn it Malik! I couldn't think of any trip that I did not come back with excess baggage. What's wrong with me? My poor luggage, my poor arm. 4 days trip pun boleh excess, apatah lagi 2 months trip. Here's Ija posing with my bags when I came back from Doha. It was towering me, sampai orang tak nampak aku. Ya Allah, bantulah hamba mu ini.

3. Visa - Almost did not make it to Sydney sebab takde visa. O.M.G.

4. Screwed Up Online Booking - well, it's not the booking that got screwed up, it was actually my credit card. Note that some airline will verify your booking via the credit card that you used for the booking. Of course. But did you anticipated that your credit card company was going to issue you a new card (with a different number naturally) because they wanted to upgrade your limit? Of course you would drop the old card like a hot coal and didn't bring it on the trip. I had such a great time at Changi trying to convince that this is my booking, please issue me a boarding pass already. I ended up having to purchase a new set of tickets and wait for the airline to refund my old booking. Whatever, aku hendak pulang ke tanahair ku please.

5. Hell Ride to airport - There was once, thinking that we could be economical, we take a ride on the bus to the airport. Only not to have it broke down, but it was actually on fire. Serious tidak tipu. The engine was blowing out smokes ok. The driver made everyone evacuate immediately and he had the fire extinguisher in his hand. Nasib baik it happen near hentian duta. We had the luxury of dragging our luggage a good 100 meter ke.. and find a cab to continue to the airport. Exciting!

6. Losing your booking information - You did print them out, but you don't know where you put it. But actually you don't really need them because the check in counter, could double check with your pasport. Well that is if you are in Malaysia. But if you are in let say.. Bandung? You are not even allowed to step into the airport without the printed booking information. Nice. Oh wait, all is not lost. They do have a special counter to help you to get print outs. Not everyone has printers at home (or in the office), right? But still without the booking number it can still be a hassle to search your booking. Arghhhhh.

7. Wrong Terminal - "Ya, pesawat apa ya?" "AA" "Ya terminal yang ini". Terminal ini untuk domestik sahaja... internasional terminal sana. Sana mana? Sana 3 batu dari sini. Harambejadah.

8. Failed security check - Of all the screwed ups, this is to date the most crazy one. It saps all of my energy and most probably some of the joy from the actual trip. Hong Kong. As usual, we came with 2 luggage and going back with 6 (including hand carry and what nots). Somehow, ironically, I don't know why that particular day I was intrigued to read the warning signs about prohibited items on board a plane. There's something about 100ml liquid. I mentally went thru my hand luggage... Nahhh all of my stuff are still new and unopened. Should be ok. So we went to the check in counter, again the clerk ask us if there's anything in our hand luggage that shouldn't be here. We said nahhh.

We arrived early at the airport. Planning to window shop (as usual). We even lounged around, sempat makan nasi goreng tapau dari muslim restaurant that morning. We checked in at terminal 2, and the boarding gate is somewhere in terminal 1. It's a good 1Km walk if I say so. We made it to the security check before the immigrations, and had to go thru the metal detectactor. This is where things starts to go south. Beep Beepp... damn, it's my belt. I had to step aside and being frisked by a policewoman. Benci aku. Shit, in that a few minutes span.. I knew that they had the time to scrutinize the contents of my hand carry. As soon as I got back to my bag the guy ask me to open it. Shit. Stay calm. I take my own sweet time to look for the keys to my padlock which annoyed the guy a bit (heh). Finally, I unzip my bag.... and the guy start to dig around. What's this? I told them, it's Mak Jakob perfume, still in it's box, unopened. Then he dig further... Oh this one cannot... straight to the bin. Babi! I was saving that. It's the mineral bottle from the casino in Macau.. shaped like a liquor bottle. Tak sempat nak argue, he found something else. F*c*k! I totally forgot all about this! I just bought a set of my 3 steps cleanser and each one of them are 100ml items. Lupa gila. Dah la aku sumbat masuk dlm baju kotor... bertaburan segala underwear. Maam, you cannot bring this. I know I'm licked. So I asked the guy, what am I suppose to do now? You can still check this bag in. I have to go all the way back to the check in counter? Yes. SIGHHHHHHH...

By then, my sister already passed thru. So I asked him, can she come with me. No. Aiyo. He took my details, and pass me back my passport. He then, the humiliation of it all, escorted me all the way to the end of the hall, out via small side door. Kena escort macam pendatang haram tanpa izin. F@#!@#$%%%$$#@!!! I had to run all the way back, to the check in counter which is might as well be in another continent. Can I check in another bag? Yes.. but it will be counted as excess baggage, so you have to pay. I was too angry with myself to remember what is the ammount. As far as I'm concern, it is now more expensive that what the 3 steps set should be. A little comfort though, coz there's a guy at the next counter arguing that he now can be bringing in his deodarant spray or something like that coz the person that checked him in earlier had asked him to remove some of his belonging from his bag as it was a tad over the weight limit. Arghhh, as much as I would like to see this guy went all out to vent his anger, I had to rush back to the other terminal, pass the security people again and get my pastport stamped. After that board a train to take me to yet another terminal ... not before going down a 3 flight escalator. Then had to search for my sister.. only to realize.. alamak credit dah habis. Arghhhh... finally managed to reach the gate with a few minutes to spare.

Window shopping? That went out of the window. The irony of it all... the 3 steps were also sold at the airport, and I could've just bought it at the terminal and bring it on board. So let me see.. I can't bring the same set of stuff that I just bought , unopened, pass the security to bring it on board, but if I buy it from the terminal, right after the security check and I could bring them onboard? Who created all these paranoia? We will die someday at the precise moment that god have decided.

All I could hear was... Klutzzzz Copp. Klutzz Coppp.

Klutz Bloody Cop.